


Memories

by lilies_in_a_vase



Series: Lilies’ group of Writer’s Block Bullshit - aka Standalone Fics Used To Attempt To Ignite Creativity After Having Forgotten What Words Are [1]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Abusive Neil Hargrove, Angst with a Happy Ending, Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield Have a Good Relationship, Billy Hargrove Is Bad at Feelings, Billy Hargrove Lives, Billy Hargrove Needs a Hug, Billy Hargrove Tries to Be a Better Person, California, F/M, Gay Billy Hargrove, Gen, Happy Ending, Hawkins - Freeform, Hurt Billy Hargrove, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lists, M/M, Minor Maxine "Max" Mayfield/Lucas Sinclair, Music, Neil Hargrove Being an Asshole, Neil Hargrove's A+ Parenting, POV Billy Hargrove, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, Sad Billy Hargrove, Songs, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:55:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28416477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilies_in_a_vase/pseuds/lilies_in_a_vase
Summary: It sounds a bit like something his mum might say, even. Billy is thirteen years old and he wonders if his mum is somewhere, dancing in the sand or with the breeze blowing in her hair, and listening to this same song, right now. If this is what she’d wondered, when she’d left.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove & Billy Hargrove's Mother, Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Billy Hargrove & Susan Hargrove, Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington, Neil Hargrove/Susan Hargrove
Series: Lilies’ group of Writer’s Block Bullshit - aka Standalone Fics Used To Attempt To Ignite Creativity After Having Forgotten What Words Are [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2081217
Comments: 8
Kudos: 44





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Heard a song, felt inspired, and it evolved into including lists, and then I checked the rest of the album, and so this shit happened? It mostly wrote itself to be honest, which was a weird experience for me. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> Abuse is mentioned throughout.
> 
> Disclaimer:  
> I don’t own “Stranger Things”. Songs are by Albert Hammond.

It doesn’t fit perfectly, of course it doesn’t, because life is not a movie and songs are rarely a perfect fit. 

Billy is thirteen years old when he first hears it, and Neil has just married Susan and brought a ten year old brat into their lives. It’s one of those early days of a marriage, the  _ honeymoon phase_, when everything still seems bright and happy and like you’re going to get your fairytale happy ending. Neil’s at work, and Billy’s just come home from the beach, salt still clinging to his skin. 

He finds Susan in the kitchen, washing dishes and humming along to the radio. Her hips move a little to the music, and Billy remembers sometimes seeing fingerprint bruises there on his mum when she’d gone swimming with him. He wonders how long it’ll take before his dad gives them to Susan. He wonders if she’ll leave, then. If Billy will hate her more if she does, or if she stays. Billy hates Susan for a lot of reasons. This is one of the Big Ones. Billy’s thirteen, has just had his first real growth spurt, but Susan’s 5’11 and Billy kind of hates her for that too. It’s one of the Small Reasons.

It’s not a song Billy would usually listen to, is the thing. It’s not one he’d like, even. But Susan’s listening to the same station that his mum used to, and Billy makes a note to add it to his list of Major Reasons He Hates Susan. 

The song sounds like one his mum would like, too. A bit like Elton John, or Billy Joel. A steady drum beat. Happy music, sad words. 

_ “When I’m gone... Will you take good care of everything? Will you keep wearing your wedding ring? When I’m gone...” _

It sounds a bit like something his mum might say, even. Billy is thirteen years old and he wonders if his mum is somewhere, dancing in the sand or with the breeze blowing in her hair, and listening to this same song, right now. If this is what she’d wondered, when she’d left.

The answer’s no, Billy thinks. His dad didn’t take good care of anything, and he didn’t keep his wedding ring. He exchanged it for a new one. Billy wonders if he ought to hate Susan for that, too. 

He can’t hate his mum. If Billy’d been able to, he’d have left as well. But he thinks that he’d probably have brought his mum with him. 

Some nights, when Billy can’t sleep and his whole body’s aching, he’ll lie in bed and stare up into the ceiling and make a list, try to go through all the reasons his mum didn’t take him with her. His pillow’s usually wet when he falls asleep. 

But then the second verse starts, and Billy wonders if maybe his mum is still thinking about him, and not Neil. If she’s missing him. 

_ “When I'm gone... I'll be thinking about you constantly, 'cause you're locked inside my memory from now on... Will you miss me in the night? Will your arms reach out to hold me tight? And keep me in your dreams, in your heart, in your life? ...Pretending I'm still holding you. And even when I'm far away the dreams will stay...”  _

Billy misses her. 

Susan shuts off the water, and turns around. She jumps a little when her eyes land on Billy. Her red hair looks horrible against the backdrop of the yellow cabinets in their kitchen. Billy tries to weigh how silly it would be to hate her for that, too.

“Oh! I didn’t see you there, Billy!” she says in that soft voice of hers. Susan’s meek. Quiet. Billy imagines she’s a better fit for his dad than Billy’s mum ever was. She was a fighter, strong, with a loud laugh that filled Billy with warmth every time he heard it. Susan’s _nothing_ like her. “Did you have fun? Catch any big waves?” 

The song’s starting to end, the man’s singing being tuned out by the music. And Susan’s question sounds like one Billy’s mum might’ve asked. Has asked, in the past.  _ ‘Will you take out all the photographs? Maybe spend a moment in the past?’ _ the lyrics ring in Billy’s ears. 

He does his best to ignore the sudden pressure behind his eyes, and looks up at Susan. “I hate you,” he says, and runs out of the kitchen.

She must have told his dad, maybe not the exact words he’d said, but  _ something_, because after dinner, when Susan has put Max to bed, Neil pushes him into the bookcase in the living room so hard it makes the shelves rattle. He shouts at Billy about family and respect, and when he slaps his cheek the sound is echoed by Susan’s little gasp from her seat on the couch. Neil makes him stand up straight in front of her, and apologise.

Susan stops trying to build a relationship with Billy after that. 

—

Billy eventually figures out who the singer is. The song haunts him, appearing on the radio when Susan’s in the kitchen, or in stores or his friends cars. 

He thinks he must’ve been drunk, and in a nice combination of feeling particularly self pitying and masochistic, when he buys the stupid fucking album just to listen to the goddamn song. 

He never plays it, not until he’s sixteen and the Camaro becomes his, and then only in his car, and only on late nights when Billy’s alone and drives down to a cliff overlooking the ocean. 

There’s always empty, or mostly empty, bottles and cans lying spread out there, and Billy’s thrown his fair share out into the sea, has laughed when they’ve shattered against the cliffs and wondered what sound his body would make if he threw himself after them. 

He figures his mum would hate him for littering, for throwing trash into the ocean she loves, and Billy adds it to the list of reasons his mum must have had for leaving him behind. Even though Billy never did so while she was still there. But he imagines mothers know, that they have a feeling for what kind of people their kids will become. 

Then there are more songs on an album than one, and Billy discovers  _ By The Night_. Once again, it isn’t really his style, but he can’t help being hit by the lyrics. 

_ “...Looking at the sky at night, everything is peaceful. Welcome to my world. Here there are no strangers. Here there is no danger. I'm happy in my world. Daylight finds me working just to stay alive... But God, you know I'm living for the night...” _

Billy’s world is one of car rides in the dark, bonfires on the beach, the sparks and crackle of flames against the backdrop of crashing waves, parties with laughter blending in with the sound of music, rock and metal concerts and palm trees, and...

This is when he is alive. 

The day is a blur, a couple hours Billy lets go by in a haze of school and studying and keeping Max at arm’s length and avoiding Susan and avoiding Neil and doing his best to survive until sunset. 

_ “...Words... of love are spoken... Hearts... are never broken... Feeling so inspired... By the night. By the night. Put your arms around me. Let your love surround me. Keep me warm inside... Let the sky above us. And the earth below us. Take us through the night...” _

Billy’s world is one of secluded places, behind cliffs or in backseats of cars, in a dark corner between buildings, and sometimes, sometimes, out in the open with others like them. 

The first time Billy kisses a boy, when the adrenaline, the  _ excitement_, has worn off and Billy can think clearly again, he realises that if he could choose, he’d never kiss a girl again. Distantly, he realises he’s added it to Reasons Mum Left Me Behind, even though Billy thinks she wouldn’t have cared whether Billy likes to kiss girls or boys or both or neither. The mother he remembers would just have wanted him to be happy. 

_But then again_ , a sneaky little voice that sounds a little too much like his dad makes itself known.  _ Why would she have left you with Neil if she knew and accepted it? And she knew, she must’ve. Mothers always know.  _

The following night, Billy goes and gets his ear pierced. He doesn’t regret it, not even after his dad pulls at his hair and slaps his cheek when he sees it. Max’ look of admiration makes up for it, anyway. And the looks boys like Billy throw in his direction.

_ “...There's no way of telling just how far we're gonna go... But, girl, we've got until the morning light...! All the time I'm wishing that the night would never end... I just want to keep this love alive...! Lay... your body down now... Love... is all around now... Feeling so inspired... By the night. By the night...” _

—

When Billy punches Harrington’s face in, he adds it to the list. Reasons My Mother Would Hate Me. Which Is Why She Left Me Alone With My Dad. 

When Susan clutches Max to her, and leaves Billy behind to deal with his fate for bringing Max home late, high off his ass, Billy adds it to his list of Reasons He Hates Susan.

Curiously, he doesn’t have a list for Why He Hates His Dad, although he imagines a list for Why He Loves His Dad would be more reasonable. It would be a pretty short list, too. 

Billy doubts he’ll ever make one, though. 

When Neil’s finished with him, Billy crawls away to his bed and drags his Walkman to him. He’d moved the album from the Camaro to his underwear drawer after he’d been forced to start driving Max around when they got to Hawkins. He didn’t want to risk her finding it when she looks through his stuff and complains about how she can’t hear her own thoughts over the sound of James Hetfield’s singing. He’s glad for it now. 

He curls up on his bed, pulls the covers up over his head even though it’s hard to breathe, and cranks the volume up. He presses his face into his pillow and gives up on blinking back the tears. His head’s aching from holding them back. And from Neil pushing it into shit. And from whatever the fuck it was that Max injected him with. And from the few good punches Harrington managed to get in before Billy completely pummelled him. God, his mother would hate him if she could see what he’d become. _She already knew what you were_ , that hateful little part of Billy whispers. _That’s why she left you._

Billy still misses her. 

_ “Through the teardrops that cloud my eyes, I see the image of the love gone by.  A silhouette, that I won't forget, for a long time... The days are longer now that you're gone... Without your loving arms to keep me whole. My future lies on a cloudy skies with no sunshine...!” _

He reaches out for his clock, and sets his alarm. He’s going to need to get up early tomorrow. Neil usually lets him sleep in after a night like this, but Billy needs to do some damage control. Make sure whatever Max put in him has worn off in a couple hours time. Make sure he wakes up at all, too. He might have a concussion, and he’s got no one to rely on but himself.

_ “And your life... and my life... they've gone separated ways... In yours a new tomorrow... In mine just sorrow...  And I’m the only lonely one...” _

—

He and Harrington start fucking two months before summer break, before Harrington graduates.

Except... It isn’t really just fucking, is it? Not when Harrington asks him to stay instead of immediately leaving, or when they make breakfast together the times Billy stays the whole night, or when  _ ‘Harrington’  _ becomes  _ ‘Steve’ _ , and Steve looks at him like no one’s ever done before. Like he’s something  precious . 

_ “...Sometimes I'll wanna run to you like lovers do... When love is new and just for a moment be close to you...” _

Billy starts two new lists. Reasons Billy Hargrove Is Going To Fall For Steve Harrington, and Reasons Billy Doesn’t Deserve Steve Who Will Undeniably Break Up With Him. Just so he’s prepared for when life eventually catches up to him and bites him in the ass. Not that Billy’s ever been good at dealing with people leaving him. 

_ “...'Cause you're locked inside my memory from now on. And I know that we said we needed time apart, but your love keeps pulling at my heart, pulling strong. Will you miss me in the night?” _ Albert Hammond sings on. 

—

Five months later, and Billy’s been stuck in the hospital for weeks. He doesn’t know where he is, exactly, but he knows it isn’t an ordinary hospital. The people here know what happened to him, that a fucking monster possessed him and used him to murder people.

He has no visitors. Billy doesn’t know if this is because they don’t know he’s alive, or if they’re simply not allowed to visit. He likes to think that it isn’t the third option; that no one cares enough to bother visiting, but fear that it is keeps him from asking. He could make a long list for Reasons People Wouldn’t Want To Visit Him. 

There’s not much for Billy to do to entertain himself, especially not once he’s feeling well enough that most of the hours aren’t passed by sleeping. One of the nurses must notice his boredom, because she comes back with a Walkman and a bunch of Billy’s music. Tells him it’s what they found in his car. 

So of course, of fucking course,  _ Your World And My World_, is there. Billy’d put it back in his car during one of his few moments of lucidity. Isn’t really certain why. If his chest didn’t hurt, Billy would have laughed. 

He puts his earphones in with shaky hands, and closes his eyes to listen. 

_ “... And when I'm gone... Will you take out all the photographs? Maybe spend a moment in the past? When I'm gone...” _

Billy wonders if Max ever does go through the few photos they have. There’s a couple from California, Billy knows. If she ever misses Billy.

_ “Will you miss me in the night? Will your arms reach out to hold me tight, and keep me in your dreams? In your heart, in your life?” _

He wonders if Steve ever stays up at night, waiting for the sound of the Camaro roaring up his street. If he ever reaches out in the morning, only to find the side of his bed cold and empty. 

The song changes, and Billy remembers that girl breaking through the monster’s control. Remembers his mum. 

_ “...Now that you’ve gone away... I’m missing you more each day... Inspite of the aches and pains...! The feeling remains... I lay awake at night... I think how you held me tight... Nobody else will do... it’s no one but you...” _

When Billy had nightmares as a kid, his mum would stay with him and stroke his hair until he fell asleep again. Here, someone always rushes in at the combination of his screaming and the chorus of beeping when the machines attached to him go off. But nobody holds his hand, and the most comfort Billy can hope for is that it’s one of the doctors or nurses who give him the curtesy of trying to calm him down and explain that  _he’s safe, he survived, he’s going to be okay_ ,  before they inject him with something that makes him crash back into the darkness. But at least it stays dark, and when he next wakes it’s slow and gentle and he’s always alone. 

_ “...I want you back here with me... Cuz I love you, I need you, I want you, I want you back here with me...! So much was left unsaid... turning inside my head... Somehow I found the words... since you've been gone... No one can mean as much... Oh, how i miss your touch... No other love will do... no one like you... Once you touch me soft and gentle...” _

Billy just misses his mum. 

—

When Billy’s released, he’s driven home. Max is the one who opens the door, and she throws her arms around him and stays there for what seems to Billy like five whole minutes. He doesn’t really mind, though. He’s missed her, too.

Less than two weeks later, and Billy’s back in the hospital after Neil breaks one of his ribs. A month later, and Neil’s in jail and Susan’s got custody of him. 

He thinks he should probably start another list. Reasons He And Max And Susan Are A Family. And later, with the help of Max and Steve and their friends, another one: Reasons Billy Hargrove Deserves To Be Alive. Privately, he makes a third one. Reasons His Mother Would be Proud Of Who He Is Today. 

Susan calls him to the living room one Saturday in November, when Max is at the cinema with Lucas. Billy’d wished her good luck on her date, and Max had blushed but hadn’t corrected him. 

Susan looks ready to leave, her coat already on and wrapping a scarf around her neck. Sometimes Billy forgets Susan’s also a Californian, that like him, and Max, she isn’t used to the snow, the cold of Indiana, because in his mind she’s always been  _ other_. Different, to him. Different to his mother. 

“I was going through the basement, figuring out what to throw away. And I found a box, that I think you should have.” She gestures to a dusty shoebox, placed on the coffee table. “I’ll leave you alone to look through it.” She smiles before she goes, and Billy gets the feeling that had he been her son, she’d have reached out and kissed the top of his head. Thirteen year old Billy would hate it, but Billy never grew past her. Susan’s one whole inch taller than him. Seventeen year old Billy finds he doesn’t mind it so much.

She closes the front door behind her, and Billy locks it. He waits until he’s heard her start her car and drive away before he turns to the box. 

It looks like it’s been left undisturbed for years. Billy wonders what’s in it. 

He takes a seat on the couch, and blows the topmost layer of dust away before reaching out to open it. 

And finds his own face staring up at him. A black and white photograph of baby Billy, and when he takes it out he finds another one. But this one has his mum in it, looking tired but happy in a hospital bed with a bundle resting against her chest. 

There’s a little plastic bag, with a blonde curl taped to a piece of paper. Written underneath it, in a hand Billy never thought he’d see again, it says _‘William’s first haircut!’_

It’s a box of memories. 

Billy can’t understand what it’s doing here. That it might’ve existed back in California wouldn’t have surprised him, but that Neil’d been sentimental enough to bring it? To make room for it in the moving truck instead of throwing it away?

He looks further, at baby photographs and toddler photographs and a pair of tiny knitted socks. A couple drawings done in crayon. A knitted octopus. 

“All you left me is memories,” Billy whispers at a photograph of his mum playing with him in the sand, the ocean behind them. He realises he’s quoting another one of those songs from the album he thinks of as his mum’s, and stands up to grab it and his Walkman from his room. He listens to it as he goes through the rest of the shoebox. 

_“...Good times, when all the world was yours and mine... And we were dreaming, sweet dreams... It wasn’t very long ago, it seems, that dreams were all we had to know... But the good old days don’t last... And the dreams, they’re fading fast... And all you’ve left me are my memories! And the happiness that you gave to me! I can’t forget the way things used to be! And how it still means so much to me! So I’m holding onto my memories...”_

It’s not only stuff from 1968 to 1972, there’s earlier stuff there as well. Pictures of Neil when he was young, when Billy’s parents first were a young couple. He doesn’t like looking at them, and puts them away, off to the side. There’s a bracelet in a little jewellery box. A newspaper cutout of a short article. It’s about Billy’s mum, a picture of her at twenty, sitting on the railing of a bridge, a cascade of hair down her back as she’s leaning away from the camera, laughing.  _ A Rising Star In Theatre? _ the title reads. Billy knew his mum had starred in a couple plays, had left her mum’s ranch and tried her best to become an actress, before she’d had Billy. But he never knew how good, or how close to a breakthrough, she’d gotten.

He laughs when he finds the tape. Can’t really believe his eyes. Real life isn’t like the movies, so this shouldn’t be possible, but Billy’s been through enough sci-fi shit in the last year that he’s going to accept this little coincidence.  _ Albert Hammond. It Never Rains In Southern California. _ He exchanges his own Hammond casette for it. 

_ “...Out of work, I'm out of my head. Out of self respect, I'm out of bread. I'm underloved, I'm underfed. I wanna go home...! It never rains in California... But girl, don't they warn ya? It pours... man, it pours... Will you tell the folks back home... I nearly made it? Had offers but didn't know which one to take... Please... don't tell 'em how you found me. Don't tell 'em how you found me. Gimme a break... give me a break...” _

He can’t help but wonder what her life would have been like if she’d gone home, back to Billy’s grandma and the ranch. If she’d never met Neil, freshly back from Vietnam and looking to settle down with a pretty girl and build a respectable family. 

Maybe she’d went back, had started her own ranch. Billy has vague memories of riding on a horse, the ground far below his little feet, his mum’s steady hands around him and her soft belly against his back. Her laughter loud and happy and free like the ocean breeze. He couldn’t have been older than five, because Billy remembers a funeral when he was six, after which there were no more horses. He’d never seen his mum cry as much as that day.

He thinks that had his mum taken him with her, then Billy would perhaps have grown up riding horses instead of waves. 

Maybe he’ll look for her, one day. And ask her. See if his list matches reality. 

—

_ “...There's grass in the meadow, and wind in the trees. It may seem like nothing to some... But there's no better place in the world, you will see, where love has already begun... I'm going to build us a house of our own. I'll let you know when it's done... From every window, you'll see the water,  and every morning, you'll see the sun.  _ _I'll be waiting, I'll be waiting to take you sailing...!”_

“What the fuck are we listening to?” Max asks him, sitting in the passenger seat of the Camaro. 

“Music,” Billy replies with a grin. 

Max groans. “Yeah, that’s why I’m so shocked,” she scoffs. 

Billy reaches out and flicks her arm. Max laughs, and grabs hold of the casette case.

“ _‘Your World And My World’_?” she reads. 

“My mum listened to him.” 

“Oh. Okay.” 

She puts it back. 

_ “Come watch the rainbows that fall to the sea... Come watch the sails as they run... The love that is ours, forever will be. Forever and never undone... Come watch the clouds turning pink in the sky... The stars coming out one by one... Come watch the moonlight upon the water. And hold me 'til the rising sun. Then take me sailing, take me sailing, take me sailing...!” _

“It’s good,” Max says, when Billy’s parked outside the high school. 

“Get out of the car, shitbird,” Billy chuckles. “I’m going to be late, and Robin will kill me.” 

“I’ll see you in an hour!”

“Yeah, yeah. Go find Susan, and the rest of them. Take your goddamn seats.” 

A while later, when Billy’s dressed in his gown, with his grades in hand and his cap on his head, Hawkins Class of 1986 celebrating with their families around him, Billy finds the Party waiting for him and Robin with cheering and congratulations. He takes Steve’s hand, discreetly, and gives it a little squeeze. 

“Steve?” Billy asks, a grin pulling on his lips. “Will you go sailing with me?”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys liked it! Please tell me what you thought!


End file.
